Unwanted sex.

About a month ago or so, I met a 23-year old on campus--a talkative fella named B that insisted we'd hang out later that evening. Supposedly, the plan was to go to the bar and meet up with some of his friends. However, his friend apparently never texted him back and we ended up going over to his house and having drinks with his roommates in the living room.

We popped into his room and immediate started on it and before long we were rolling on his bed but still managed to (mostly) keep our clothes on. Under 3 minutes later, we emerged from his room and went back to the table. His friend asked what we were up to, and B replied--

Oh, nothing.

Lies! His friend exclaimed, You've got an erection--he pointed directly at B's crotch--right there!

Later on, we ended up having sex at least twice and lots of oral. At one point, I stopped blowing him for a minute to give my mouth/jaw/fresh dimple piercings a break. He immediately kept saying--

I...really...did not want you to...stop...

He said it numerous times and in such a way that annoyed me fast. He wasn't quite as generous with me and told him so. All in all, I became quickly turned off and went home soon afterwards. We chatted a few times after that, and after mentioning that I had to go to bed because of early morning class the next day--which was true--(instead of not going over to his place to give him more of what he wanted), I never heard from him again.

I was half irritated and half relieved. He was cute enough but I wasn't attracted to him, and something about him in bed thoroughly turned me off. Nevertheless, though, I was pissed off that I allowed myself to be used solely for sex. After a while, the realization came that I had no one to blame but myself.

Then, two nights ago, another 23-year old (I don't know what it is with these 23-year olds wanting my nearly 31-year old self) came over to my apartment. We were supposed to watch a movie. I know it is easily guised and usually read as just getting laid instead of actually watching a movie...but I actually just wanted to watch the movie. Half-way through the oral sex, I stopped. Mean thing to do to a man, I know, but I felt repulsed...

I know it would be naturally assumed by this point that holy shit I DON'T LIKE SEX but of course that ain't true. I enjoyed sleeping around a bit when I was much younger because sex seemed so new and I was eager to discover and explore it--mostly because it felt like I rarely got the chance to (since men didn't stay with me for long, never more than a month--if even) and I welcomed (most) of the chances I got--which was still relatively few due to my shy nature and my habit of isolating myself in my room or apartment.

But now that I'm older and I am sober, my emotional reaction to certain things is a lot sharper and a lot more noticeable than it ever has been before. After the other night, I decided I will not invite any man over for any reason nor go anywhere private with any man--even if it seems harmless/platonic--until I know I want to be more physical with him. The disgust and the shame that follow each unwanted event affects me more than I ever realized--before, I always drank to numb it all, but not now.

I am afraid over time that sex itself will seem repulsive--or at least not very special--no matter who I have it with if I continue to sleep with just anyone. All in all, I do love it--but only with a man that I've known for a while and whom I care for very, very deeply and am (obviously) sexually-attracted to. I especially found joy giving blow jobs to the few men that I've loved so very much in my adult life. But not to the ones I don't care for.

I am glad I know all this about myself now, and am sorry it took me so long to realize it. I used to have trouble saying 'no' due to my (semi)sweet and shy, passive nature--but lately (especially after learning more and more what I want and don't want) the aggressive and headstrong part of me is growing out of the inspiration of Satanism and getting to know myself better.

I look forward to when I next time willingly pick and enjoy sex with someone I am deeply amorous of--even if it will be a long while from now...

...but until then, I've got my handy, dandy vibrator.